unsolicited advice

I'm not going to pretend I know what it's like to be a pregnant woman considering making an adoption plan for my unborn child.  But I do know this: every stranger you meet thinks they're an expert on what's the best decision for you, and your life, whenever fertility or family planning is involved.

When we first starting trying to conceive, we got all the advice in the world.  "It'll happen as soon as you stop trying," or "Just take a vacation and relax;"  You name it, we heard it.  When we announced that we were going to adopt, we heard a lot of "Are you sure you don't want to try IVF?  Why not?" and then, "As soon as you adopt, you'll get pregnant." 

I don't know why, as humans, we feel the need to give tidy little meaningless advice and solutions to the really difficult life issues other people, and usually strangers, are going through.  How do you politely tell someone that you don't want to pursue IVF because it's very expensive, and it probably won't work, and you're excited about adoption, and it's a relief to put trying to conceive behind you and focus on something positive that gives you hope?  And we certainly aren't adopting on the off chance that somehow, it'll spur the miracle that will give us our "own baby."  Just hearing people say that, as though our adopted child won't be loved like a biological baby, makes me cringe.  But I've actually found myself trying to justify and feeling judged about our decision not to work towards a pregnancy that has, medically, a .5% chance of happening. 

I think I'm not so different in that regard from the pregnant woman considering an adoption plan.  She's probably feeling judged, not sure what's the right path for her, getting a ton of unsolicited advice from people who never had to go through what she's going through.  We've both struggled with questioning whether or not we can be someody's mom. 

If anyone ever reads this blog, and she's considering us as adoptive parents, I want you to know there was only one thing anyone ever said that made me feel any better, and it wasn't advice.  So I'm saying it to you: "I'm so sorry you're going through this.  It really sucks."