call me, maybe...

We got a potential matching call on Monday.  We submit profiles today.  As always, we're cautiously hopeful.  I feel as though not allowing myself to get excited somehow cheats my future baby, since every time could be the time, so I've got a couple butterflies flitting around.  Funnily enough, mom's due date is 9 months, to the day, from when we began waiting.  Most probably a coincidence, but pretty cool if this does turn out to be our match.  Because she's still pregnant, they have plenty of time to decide, so there's no hint as to when we'll get the call about their decision.  Prayers and patience, and trusting in God's will, is the name of the game.

Everything else is all quiet on the western front.  I'm almost done with my quilt.  Assembly is set to begin this weekend, so I'll take plenty of progress photos.  Otherwise, nothing is new.  We have a quiet, drama-free life, and I'm pretty ok with that. 

foreshadowing

I wrote the following journal this morning:

There are times I wonder: if I didn't want to be a mother so badly, would it have happened easily?  I know this is a test from God, in learning patience, in learning to truly commit to something and push hard, hang in there until my dream comes true.  I've always been the type of person to give up when things didn't happen right away.  I never wanted anything badly enough to overcome obstacles.  Except this.  

It makes me sad to read about people who've given up believing in God because of infertility.  This journey has made my faith stronger than ever.  Sometimes I still get upset and think that it's unfair how easily others can start their families.  But life isn't fair.  I don't expect it to be.  People are murdered for their faith all over the world.  People suffer and starve and watch their babies suffer and starve.  What have I done to deserve an easy, pampered life?  

This is the path we have to take to get to our dream.  I've never been prouder of my husband than when he said of another couple at the agency "I wouldn't be too upset if they were chosen for this baby, because they're doctors."  He's thinking of the welfare of a child he's never met, above his own wants.  That's huge.  If we'd gotten pregnant easily, I would never have the memory of my husband agreeing to adopt without a moment's hesitation.  I'd never know that was in him.  I'd never know how badly he wants to be a father, if we'd never had to fight for it together.

So we might be facing another rejection.  It sucks, but we can take it.  We'll take it as many times as we have to.  

We got the call early this afternoon that we weren't selected. 

I'm not devastated.  Neither is he.  We're learning that sometimes the thing you want most, you can work as hard as you can to achieve, and from that point forward, it's in the hands of something bigger than yourself.  I'm excited to see who disappears from the agency's waiting families list.  Our time will come.

patience

We received a matching call on Monday.  We're trying not to stress, or obsess about it, but our profile is being submitted to the parents tomorrow.  This time feels kind of different than the last two calls.  We've had some disappointment in not being chosen in the past, and this time, we know it could take weeks to hear anything, and it might not be good news when we do hear, so we're not going to be biting our nails and jumping every time the phone rings.  We've actually gotten somewhat accustomed to waiting.  I do believe we've learned a bit about the art of patience (though by no means mastered it).

Could we be parents soon?  It's all in the Lord's hands.