Well, if you've checked out our adoption timeline page or my Facebook lately, you know we got the news that this most recent couple decided to parent. We really weren't surprised, because the agency had prepared us for that possibility from the beginning. We're obviously disappointed, but hope everyone's happy and healthy, and they're at peace with their decision.
Not getting this baby does clear the way for something unpleasant I've been putting off for a few months now. This week, I called the doctor to schedule a hysterectomy. I'm really scared, but I know my pain isn't going to get any better, and in a way, it feels like closure on the possibility of a miracle surprise pregnancy. I'm afraid of being in menopause at such a young age, and I'm scared of having hot flashes for the next twenty years, but at least I'll already be awake in the middle of the night for feedings.
The wait's really been wearing on us lately. I'm sure a big part of it is feeling like so much is out of control right now, with my health and whatnot. But there have definitely been times lately when I've felt as though I wish this wasn't so vitally important to us. I wish we could just be ok with having a dog and each other, and feel complete. But we don't. I wish that our dream didn't require someone else's sacrifice and pain. I wish this were a world where people who weren't ready for children couldn't get pregnant with them, and have to face the difficult decision of how to best handle something for which they aren't prepared, and where people who desperately wanted a baby didn't get a hysterectomy instead.
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