There are times I wonder: if I didn't want to be a mother so badly, would it have happened easily? I know this is a test from God, in learning patience, in learning to truly commit to something and push hard, hang in there until my dream comes true. I've always been the type of person to give up when things didn't happen right away. I never wanted anything badly enough to overcome obstacles. Except this.
It makes me sad to read about people who've given up believing in God because of infertility. This journey has made my faith stronger than ever. Sometimes I still get upset and think that it's unfair how easily others can start their families. But life isn't fair. I don't expect it to be. People are murdered for their faith all over the world. People suffer and starve and watch their babies suffer and starve. What have I done to deserve an easy, pampered life?
This is the path we have to take to get to our dream. I've never been prouder of my husband than when he said of another couple at the agency "I wouldn't be too upset if they were chosen for this baby, because they're doctors." He's thinking of the welfare of a child he's never met, above his own wants. That's huge. If we'd gotten pregnant easily, I would never have the memory of my husband agreeing to adopt without a moment's hesitation. I'd never know that was in him. I'd never know how badly he wants to be a father, if we'd never had to fight for it together.
So we might be facing another rejection. It sucks, but we can take it. We'll take it as many times as we have to.
We got the call early this afternoon that we weren't selected. I'm not devastated. Neither is he. We're learning that sometimes the thing you want most, you can work as hard as you can to achieve, and from that point forward, it's in the hands of something bigger than yourself. I'm excited to see who disappears from the agency's waiting families list. Our time will come.
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